Name of the Year: March 2008

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Chrotchtangle Regional

That's our little pixie, 10-year-old concert pianist Poony Poon, playing Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 19, Part One. She exited the 2008 NOTY Tournament after Part Two. We think she'll be okay.

This regional wraps up the Sweet 16. If you haven't already voted in the other regionals, make sure to scroll down and do so. We'll be back in 10 days or so with the Elite Eight ... on the Road to the Final Four!

No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

Reprobatus Bibbs: Eked out second-round win over Cash Dixon etc.

Fonda Dicks: Forget Amadeus. We can hear little Poony playing the funeral march in Beethoven's Third Symphony.

No. 6 Pansy Ho v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Pansy Ho: Gasoline Hunter gave the billionairess a run for her money.

Free-King Africa: Too bad someone had to lose: Adieu, Rockefellow Johnson.

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Dragonwagon Regional

We're predicting a 1-2 final in the Dragonwagon. But the people have confounded the seedings before.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 4 Have-A-Look-Dube

Steeve Ho You Fat: We loved Edward McClammy, because it allowed us to type Olive McWeeney a few times. But this should be a great match.

Have-A-Look Dube: Squeaked by fellow soccer player Dean Windass.

No. 6 Danger Guerrero v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Danger Guerrero: Farewell, Jeremiah Kilimanjaro. Now stay in school.

Alpacino Beauchamp: We have a hunch it’s going to be a dog day afternoon for Danger Guerrero.

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Sithole Regional

That's little Charley Willard Horse Dick's birth announcement. He's a No. 10 seed, but he's survived along with Nos. 5, 9 and 11 in an unpredictable Sithole Regional. Remember: two pairings on which to cast your ballot.

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng

Phyllis Mangina: Ciao, Assalone. Phyllis fills out a pink slip for a No. 1 seed.

Terdsak Jandaeng: Filipino boxer hurtis opponent, Hurtis Chinn in second round.

No. 11 Johnny Moustache v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

Johnny Moustache: Who could have predicted his upset of Dominitrix Johnson?

Charley Willard Horse Dick: Baby Horse Dick took out Levi Licking.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Bulltron Regional

It's Destiny Frankenstein's world. We're just living in it. Can she continue living up to her No. 1 seed and fulfill her first name as the 2008 NOTY? She told us in an email that she wants it bad. Note note note: There are two pairings in this post. Vote and then scroll.

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 5 Firm Dinkins

Destiny Frankenstein: Not even prayer could save Thankgod Amaefule from our girl's onomastic splendor.

Firm Dinkins: Montana State honor's student took out shooting victim Dom Perignon Champagne in the first round and Champagne's mother, Perfect Engleberger, in the second. No pity in NOTY city.

No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

Urban Couch: The good professor routed youngster Weekendfer Saurit by a 3-to-1 margin.

Spaceman Africa: Drunken name change by idiot soccer fan a surprising winner over Silky Labie. The people finally vote down sexually suggestive name.

Monday, March 17, 2008

2008 NOTY: The Sweet 16

And so it is time to say goodbye to some NOTY High Committee favorites, vanquished in the second round. Farewell, Rockefellow Johnson. It was fun while it lasted, Jeremiah Kilimanjaro. You did sub-Saharan Africa proud, Thankgod Amaefule. And little Poony Poon? We might have loved you best of all.

But you're out. And 16 worthier names are in. We've apparently got competition from some other tournament that also uses brackets. So here's the plan for the Sweet 16: Starting today and for the next couple of days, we'll post the eight remaining games in the four regionals. Then we're going on vacation. So make sure everyone votes while we're away.

Here are your Sweet 16 match-ups:

Bulltron Regional
No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 5 Firm Dinkins
No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

Sithole Regional
No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng
No. 11 Johnny Moustache v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

Dragonwagon Regional
No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 4 Have-A-Look-Dube
No. 6 Danger Guerrero v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Chrotchtangle Regional
No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks
No. 6 Pansy Ho v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Friday, March 14, 2008

2008 NOTY: Second-Round Roundup

All second-round pairings in the 2008 NOTY are up. We'll continue the voting for a few more days to give everyone time to ponder the impossible choice between Free-King Africa and Rockefellow Johnson. Not to mention Fonda Dicks and Poony Poon. And how about Have-A-Look-Dube v. Dean Windass? Much tighter than we expected.

Here are handy links to the pairings in all four regions. Do the right thing. Vote. Next week: The Sweet 16!

2008 NOTY Second Round: Bulltron Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Sithole Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Dragonwagon Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Chrotchtangle Regional

Thursday, March 13, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Chrotchtangle Regional

That's the affidavit that The High Commissioner had a law-firm employee swear out back in 1990 attesting to the validity of two NOTY legends, inaugural members of the Hall of Name and namesakes of two of the four NOTY Tournament regionals. Eileen Farrell Reilly: NOTY hero.

Remember, there are FOUR, count 'em, FOUR pairings contained in this post. Don't stop after the first. You need to VOTE FOUR TIMES. When you're done, go back and vote on the second-round matches in the Bulltron Regional, Sithole Regional and Dragonwagon Regional.

No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs. v. No. 9 Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight

Reprobatus Bibbs: He lived up to his name. Can he live up to his seed?

Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight: Four on the floor: money, genitalia, the weak Beatle, romance.

No. 12 Fonda Dicks v. No. 4 Poony Poon

Fonda Dicks: Big Daddy Drew's pick. Women's basketball star in the 1960s. NOTY star in the 20-oughts.

Poony Poon: Let's link to her picture one more time. She's a pixie we tell you!
No. 14 Gasoline Hunter v. No. 6 Pansy Ho

Gasoline Hunter: From the great beyond, took out No. 3 seed Elrazor Sharp.

Pansy Ho: Billionaire's daughter. But money can’t buy you NOTY votes. We hope.
No. 7 Rockefellow Johnson v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Rockefellow Johnson: Like the governor, he ran afoul of the law in New York state.

Free-King Africa: So did he! What a match-up!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Dragonwagon Regional

Welcome to the Dragonwagon Regional, named after our friend Crescent Dragonwagon (above), a children's book author and Hall of Name inductee. One important note: We know this whole Interweb thing is complicated. But there are FOUR pairings contained in this post. After you vote in the Ho You Fat-McClammy match, keep scrolling down. There are THREE more pairings after that. In other words, YOU NEED TO VOTE FOUR TIMES. If the total number of ballots cast in the first match continues to exceed those in the other three, we'll sear your eyeballs with an all-caps warning.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 9 Edward McClammy

Steeve Ho You Fat: We can’t stress this enough. A picture is worth a thousand Ho You Fats. Outpolled Iraq war veteran/baby-shower shooting victim R'Chardrick Markray by a 91-9 margin.

Edward McClammy: Vacuum-technologies company CFO cleaned up on Xcstacy Garcia, who appears to have been named for a drug. He'll need a lot of suction to reach the Sweet 16.

No. 5 Dean Windass v. No. 4 Have-A-Look Dube

Dean Windass: Testicle-grabber had an easy time with Chamberlain Oguchi.

Have-A-Look-Dube: The Bob Marley-evoking feelgood name of the tournament.
No. 3 Jeremiah Kilimanjaro v. No. 6 Danger Guerrero

Jeremiah Kilimanjaro: We just learned that J-K is an honor-roll student and state-champion football tight end. With a strong performance in the tournament, NOTY friend and Greensboro News-Record sportswriter Rob Daniels blogs that ``this could be a very special school year’’ for the youngster.

Danger Guerrero: Cuban baseballer took out NOTY High Committee sentimental favorite Daniel Best-Spicehandler. Now must scale higher heights.
No. 10 Tonic Chabalala v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Tonic Chabalala: Close first-round win over LaWanna Holiday. Still, he’s no Courage Shabalala.

Alpacino Beauchamp: Al Pacino: "Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in." Alpacino: "I am so not out."

Another Word From the Commissioner

We roused the NOTY High Commissioner from a suburban Tequila Mink bender—obscure NOTY reference; Mink was a rejected nominee—to get his thoughts on the second round.

Honestly? I missed out on some of the first-round action. I'm old. And tired. Didn't even vote in every matchup! Back in the day, mine was the only vote that counted. [Ed.: Which explains Hector Camacho.] They followed me like sheep! But fortunately I have lots of folks working for me at NOTY. So I had some coffeine, read the blog and compiled a little Knowledge Renwick for you.

The second round has something for everyone. Matchups too good to be true. Dicks-Poon. Assalone-Mangina. Licking-Horse Dick. We didn’t rig it to turn out this way. Honest.

Sithole: A boxer versus a wideout. I mistakenly dropped Terdsak Jandaeng in the first round. Time to make amends: Terdsak over Chinn. We just received word that the Dominatrix Johnson-Johnny Moustache match will be played at a whorehouse in Vegas. I like Assalone over Mangina, with Assalone marching on again, naturally.

Bulltron: Weekendfer v. Couch. Because—apologies in advance—what are weekends for? Couch. Silky Labie will be getting up on that Couch in the Sweet 16. Turn on some Sinatra and dust off a nice bottle of wine. Destiny, though, will prevail in the end.

Dragonwagon: Someone's dropping when there's a mountain involved. Danger, Danger Guerrero. Kilimanjaro stands tall. Check the teaser price on Edward McClammy. McClammy can win the 'wagon.

Chrotchtangle: Rockefellow is the best first name in the tournament, a bobbing, riffing, cultural mix of Old Money and street. But Free-King Africa and his double entendre is just too powerful. Then there's this classic: Fonda Dicks and Poony Poon—in the Chrotch! It's still a man's world. Dicks is the pick.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Sithole Regional

Yes, there’s a Licking-Horse Dick pairing in the Sithole Regional. Make sure to vote for all four matches. And when you're done, if you haven't already, scroll down or click here and cast your ballots in the second round of the Bulltron Regional.

No. 1 Fabio Assalone v. No. 9 Phyllis Mangina

Fabio Assalone: Sopranos staffer struggled to beat a dead Clarence Clapsaddle in the first round.

Phyllis Mangina: Demolished Genesis Lightbourne. "Wow," commenter Dom says. "I just realized 'Phyllis' can be pronounced 'Fill his.'"

No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng v. No. 4 Hurtis Chinn

Terdsak Jandaeng: Boma Ye. Seriously, the dude's name is Terdsak.

Hurtis Chinn: Took out kid actor Mackintosh Muggleton. Now more appropriately matched against a boxer.

No. 3 Dominitrix Johnson v. No. 11 Johnny Moustache

Dominitrix Johnson: Captured 85 percent of the vote in his first-round game. As far as we know, was not at the Mayflower Hotel with Client-9.

Johnny Moustache: First-round mercy kill: Metallica Tomaro. Despite porn-film name, not not connected to the Eliot Spitzer scandal either.

No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick v. No. 15 Levi Licking

Charley Willard Horse Dick: Hung out Ding Kong in the first round.

Levi Licking: Wyoming votes! Apparently for its native son, who put a Cheney on Ebony Haliburton.

2008 NOTY 'Celebrity' Ballot: Big Daddy Drew

Throughout the tournament, we'll check in with some of our Interweb friends for their picks and commentary. We asked for a Final Four and one sentence of analysis. While he couldn't follow those simple guidelines, we'll let Big Daddy Drew of the great Kissing Suzy Kolber and profiler of Bulltron Regional No. 1 seed Destiny Frankenstein, go first anyway. Take it away, Drew.

Okay, this was the fucking hardest bracket I've ever had to fill out, basketball or names or anything else. The Firm Dinkins/Dom Perignon Champagne, Metallica/Moustache and Have-A-Look Dube/Wacey Rabbit matchups were impossible. Those are all No. 1 seeds, as far as I'm concerned. There are several names here that beat Assumption Bulltron. Just an amazing field. [Ed.'s note: Thanks.]

Bulltron Regional: Dom Perignon Champagne
He beats Spaceman Africa in the Elite Eight. I always gravitate toward brand names. They scream class to me.

Sithole Regional: Metallica Tomaro
My friend of misery ekes it out over Fabio Assalone. I assume Metallica was a great kid for the first nine years of his life, only to turn lame and annoying thereafter. If he's got a brother named Sepultura, I say induct the whole clan into the Hall of Name.

Dragonwagon Regional: Alpacino Beauchamp
Why do I suspect Alpacino's dad's favorite Pacino film starts with an S, ends with an E and has the word CARFAC in the middle? He beats Steeve Ho You Fat in the Elite Eight, because I take points off for any Asian name that happens to be silly in English. [Ed.'s note: Steeve Ho You Fat appears to be, well, not Asian.]

Chrotchangle Regional: Fonda Dicks
Impossible to pick among her, Poony Poon and Pansy Ho. But I have to go with Fonda both for the single entendre and the first name as tribute to Jane (or Henry? or Peter?). Mom and Dad HAD to know what image this name would conjure, and they went ahead and did it anyway. That tells me they were sitting atop a Vietcong tank smoking a doobie when they agreed on it. [Ed's note: Fonda Dicks appears to have been born around 1950, so it must have been Henry.]

Final: Dom Perignon Champagne v. Fonda Dicks

Winner: Fonda Dicks

But what about your girl Destiny? "I always take horrible corporate names and dick-joke names over flat-out weird names." There you have it. Your first 2008 NOTY `Celebrity' Ballot. Now back to the voting.

Monday, March 10, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Bulltron Regional

Here we go with the second round. Four match-ups. Four separate votes—all within this post, so keep scrolling down.

Will Destiny’s destiny be derailed? Does Firm Dinkins have anything left after a thrilling opening-round game? Can Weekendfer Saurit stop the on-fire Urban Couch? And which underdog advances—the made-up Spaceman Africa or the NSFW Silky Labie? Vote.

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 8 Thankgod Amaefule

Destiny Frankenstein: Crushed Maurkice Pouncey in the first round. Told us in a recent email that she wants to win the whole thing.

Thankgod Amaefule: Outpolled Yourhighness Morgan's cousin by 2-to-1 margin. Will need divine intervention.

No. 5 Firm Dinkins v. No. 4 Perfect Engleberger

Firm Dinkins: Montana college student eked out remarkable first-round win over No. 12 Dom Perignon Champagne. Now faces vanquished opponent's mother.

Perfect Engleberger: Took out Othello Cheeks handily. Playing for entire family.

No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 6 Weekendfer Saurit

Urban Couch: Surprisingly easy win over Georgia tailback Knowshon Moreno. Party time in Morgantown.

Weekendfer Saurit: 57 percent-43 percent winner over Jabu Lovelace. Commenter Jesse says he went to school with the high-school football player. Thanks for sharing, Jesse!

No. 10 Spaceman Africa v. No. 15 Silky Labie

Spaceman Africa: We had Da'Veed Dildy in the first round. The people disagreed.

Silky Labie: Down goes Auriantal! Down goes Auriantal!

2008 NOTY Tournament: And Then There Were 32

The polls are closed in the opening round of the 2008 Name of the Year Tournament.

More than 1,500 people cast ballots in the Destiny Frankenstein-Maurkice Pouncey blowout, the biggest NOTY voter turnout ever. Destiny and the other No. 1 seeds advanced, as they always do. But we had some huge upsets. Two No. 2's, the well-balanced Manix Auriantal and Ebony Haliburton were taken out by sexually connotative No. 15's Silky Labie and Levi Licking. Bulltron Regional No. 14 seed Urban Couch set fire to No. 3 Knowshon Moreno and, in the Chrotchtangle Regional, fellow 14 Gasoline Hunter dulled No. 3 Elrazor Sharp. And we totally underestimated the power of Chrotchtangle No. 12 Fonda Dicks, who racked up more than 80 percent of the vote against No. 5 Baffelly Woo.

Then there was the positively Floridian, ain't-gonna-be-no-rematch, 5-12 Firm Dinkins-Dom Perignon Champagne slugfest in the Bulltron. At 10:30 p.m. yesterday, the count was, astonishingly, deadlocked: 313-313. Twenty minutes later, we checked again. A ballot had been cast! We kept the polls open through the night, but that turned out to be the deciding vote. We called it at 9:30 this morning: Firm Dinkins 314, Dom Perignon Champagne 313. Ah, sweet democracy.

Next stop: the Sweet 16. A small change in the voting procedure for this round. Instead of posting each match separately, we're putting all four pairings in each regional in a single post. That means you have to vote four times per post. Four times the fun! The first regional will be up shortly.

Meantime, here are your second-round pairings . . . on the Road to the Final Four!

Bulltron Regional
No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 8 Thankgod Amaefule
No. 5 Firm Dinkins v. No. 4 Perfect Engleberger
No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 6 Weekendfer Saurit
No. 10 Spaceman Africa v. No. 15 Silky Labie

Sithole Regional
No. 1 Fabio Assalone v. No. 9 Phyllis Mangina
No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng v. No. 4 Hurtis Chinn
No. 3 Dominitrix Johnson v. No. 11 Johnny Moustache
No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick v. No. 15 Levi Licking

Dragonwagon Regional
No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 9 Edward McClammy
No. 5 Dean Windass v. No. 4 Have-A-Look Dube
No. 3 Jeremiah Kilimanjaro v. No. 6 Danger Guerrero
No. 10 Tonic Chabalala v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Chrotchtangle Regional
No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs. v. No. 9 Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight
No. 12 Fonda Dicks v. No. 4 Poony Poon
No. 14 Gasoline Hunter v. No. 6 Pansy Ho
No. 7 Rockefellow Johnson v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Friday, March 7, 2008

2008 NOTY First Round: All 32 Matches in One Place

Our long NOTY nightmare is over: All 32 first-round matches are posted. We'll leave them up through the weekend and start the second round next week. In case you missed a game—and we wouldn't blame you if you did—here's every first-round contest. Vote now.

Bulltron Regional:

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